Dis de dimineață mi-am întins niște sentimente pe o felie de pâine proaspătă. Și cu cât mâncam mai mult din felia matinală, mă gândeam la puterea misterioasă a propriei hemoglobine. Cum reușește ea să mă poarte pe cele mai periculoase și necunoscute culmi. Cum îmi pune ea piedici în a fi contemporană cu propriile experiențe. Cum îmi comandă ea arcadele mele inginerești și îmi îngrădește libertatea de exprimare.
Deși eram singură în încăpere, cafeaua tot am turnat-o în 2 cești. Zăpăceală maximă! Sunt doar un subiect al unui acces perpetuu de neatenție. Am uitat că ai plecat. Sau eu am fost cea care a plecat?! Nici nu mai știu care e realitatea. Mai bine aș schimba ceașca asta de cafea pe un pahar de vin al coincidenței plăcute. O coincidență roșie seacă. Poate așa aș reuși să nu mai fiu prizoniera proastelor și neinspiratelor mele alegeri. Alegeri care poate în trecut m-au scăpat de la moarte, dar care mă țin acum departe de viață. Respir ușurată că măcar zidurile știu că ne-am iubit. Ne-am iubit fierbinte.
Deși e dimineață (tot aceeași dimineață), eu sunt doar la capătul unei nopți albe. Capăt la care eu mă regăsesc împovărată, nu de neodihna trupului, ci de interogațiile care m-au asaltat toată noaptea.
N-ar trebui să scriu despre mine. Sunt atât de convinsă de asta, încât de fiecare dată când o fac (chiar și acum), primul meu gând e să mă atac brutal, deși mă admir în același timp. Sunt o combinație chiar reușită de contradicții.
Am devenit reversul propriului meu infern. Mai bine refuzam împrumutul vieții, ca să nu fie acum sau mai târziu nevoie să plătesc datoria morții.
Când îmi voi putea spune povestea oricui fără să plâng, înseamnă că sunt pe calea cea buna către vindecare.
Lavinia Parvu- When love hurts, tears are forgotten
- "I am sorry I cannot even make you understand what is happening inside of my head. I cannot make myself understand either."
This was the start and the end of their discussion. A discussion which started naively from the very first beginning. From the time they first met and shaked gently their hands. A time when she opened to himself like a rich shell full with pearls. When she let herself read by him as if she was a cheap book and rejected by every reader.
But none of them had the guts to start at that time this postponed discussion, because they were busy taking care of their bodies and hearts. He was hungry for her look and mind. She was desperate for the heat given by his body.
- "I don't know what to say", he replied scared but in the same time awared that he is sharing silently the same thoughts.
- "It's okay", she barely replied. "I know what we are, and I know what we are not."
He was impressed for her courage to end up this vicious circle. He loved her for her courage to swallow all the dirt and mud and still smile. Still showing nobody what is inside her broken heart. Only he knew everything about her. And he felt the need to protect her from herself from the very beginning. Because he knew what kind of deep suffering she can cause to herself.
- "I miss you when I can sleep. Or right after coffee. Or right when I can't eat. It's too much wish and too less physical presence. That is the biggest reason why I cannot continue anymore", and a river of tears began to flow on her face.
She is sick of bury her feelings all the time with red wine and toxic cigarettes. She wants normal relationship and strong legs to carry her heavy body full of thoughts.
He is in a continuous worried wood, especially because he was expecting something else in his life, something simple. But she happened in a miraculous way and ruined his all wishes about life and what love is really about. Beeing in this mood, he continued with his share of feelings:
- "From the time I've met you, I live for your drunk texts. I want to know that when you're surrounded by pretty girls and your best friends, you can still feel my absence. You are still loving me then. I don't want you to forget me. I don't want to forget what happened between us. Because our memories together are the most valuable things for me."
- "I will never forget. I will keep forever in my heart the memory of us, remebering the way we used to look at each other. The memory of your eyes. Those damn eyes which made me completely free."
And with this ended something which never started.
By the time she was preparing to move away, she whispered gently:
- "You will become a story that I could not tell anyone."
Pe drumuri întortocheate M-angajez spre eternitate Să mă poarte ea cu spor Mie nefiindu-mi ușor Am avut multe rateuri Care mi-au format doar goluri De aceea m-am oprit Din vegetație, din gândit O, eternitatea mea râvnită Faci durerea să nu pută Și oferi mireasmă pură Suspinului meu de origine dură
Stau deasupra unui nor Blocată în neopritul zbor Savurez un ceai fierbinte Inventez noi jurăminte Cum îți spun că te iubesc Altul eu nu mai doresc Tu mă crezi, îmi spui cuminte: "Ochii tăi exprimă multe, nu-i nevoie de cuvinte" Dar eu vreau să-ți spun pe bune Rime dure, fraze pure Ochii mei să nu îi crezi Îți zic sincer, o să pierzi
Ai promis că pleci cu mine Și vom merge mână-n mână Pășind doar pe-ntuneric Singura noastră lumină trăgându-se De la a mea pură cunună Ai promis că nu vei da crezare Vorbelor spuse la afumare Căci știi și tu, o știu și eu Că acestea fără consistență Sunt doar vorbe spuse la întâmplare Ai promis că îți voi fi suficientă Eu și obiceiurile mele pustii Îmi spuneai: ești minunată Dar n-ai rezistat nici măcar primei tentații De a mă dezamăgi De la atâtea promisiuni Am rămas cu lungi sechele Și mă vindec doar cu nădejdea Că totuși odată vei veni Și mă vei scăpa de ele
I woke up late, with a huge hangover of sadness. After spending the night, that white night, just thinking how to please myself better.
I become the prisoner of my own choices. Choices which at one point saved me from death, but which now are keeping me far away from life. This madness of vegetation without any purpose, eventually will destroy all my erotic illusions.
At the end of each crazy, white night I wake up overloaded by interrogations which don't need any answer, but only my soul to be devoured. In the end I will feed myself with me. I will be my last supper.
I have lied myself about the clarity of life. Until now, only my darkness showed me where I most need to grow. My darkness is my ally. I don't need the hypocrisy of light. I am honest in my dark side. I like myself better when I can be honest with me. Even if this is very rare.
My life made sense as long as I didn't forced myself to give it one.
I kept looking for a man who is able to give me a place not only in his bed, but also in his eternity. That man managed somehow to ruin my favourite song. More said, he has ruined my favourite playlist. But he also taught me to bent the rules, without breaking them.
Ah, autumn. You came with your calm and dark spirit, and you have opened the doorway to the season that awakens my soul. I feel again the taste of what life really means.
Now I need to get back to my truth: I hope that the person which I am choosing to be, will choose me also. Because I do not want to be the one I used to be anymore. I decided to remain the one which I became with the promise that if I ever find myself in the wrong story, I will definitely leave.
De atâta amar de vreme Colectez niște probleme Și le țin prin buzunare Cât voi mai avea răbdare Au apărut încet, una câte una Necreând la început nici o daună Dar pe parcurs s-au ambiționat Iar sistemul meu normal mi l-au avariat Sunt probleme acidulate Pline de înțelesuri întunecate Sunt probleme ireale Menite să îmi schimbe toate direcțiile Și de atâta amar de vreme Tot le port în profunzime E clar, nu mă voi mai scapa de ele Vom merge împreună, spre sfârșitul vieții Agale, agale
Her past pain was just an accelerator for a better future pleasure. For this present future.
Some loved her for her honesty, some hated her for her truth.
She is neither a poet nor a writer.
She loved reading. It allowed her to cry over someone's sadness when she could no longer identify her own.
She was not afraid of dying anymore. Perhaps, she was only afraid that she wasn't alive enough.
She consider herself a simple woman who is thinking and feeling too much. Way too much.
She looked too carefully into that deep dangerous abyss, until the abyss started to look, at its turn, deep inside her. And at that point she was cured of everything.
And then HE happened. Out of nowhere. Out of everywhere.
He dug deep into her soul.
He cuted all the layers of her skin.
He then played with her bones and broke the normal arrangement.
He taught her how to lose on the highest peaks of pleasure and how to abandon her mind.
He brought to light her erotica side. Her animal side.
She was not human anymore in his arms.
He fullfilled all her erotic illusions.
Everything had meaning when she was walking next to him.
All the music around things and people had now sound.
He was like a compositor for her dry existence.
For a while the time stood in place.
But the same time was also cruel and misty because he had to leave.
He came like a stranger and in the end he left away with all her secrets. Even the dirty ones.
And she remained abandoned and naked.
Naked words. Naked expressions.
Empty head. Empty heart.
He left and left her the bad bones arrangement.
He forgot to close her skin.
She has no scar to cry after.
Now, she is waking up late, and with a huge sadness hangover.
She started to use her remained darkest side, because that side had the most power to teach her about her next purpose.
She knew that she could never become his whole life.
Her expectation is that at least, she will be his favorite part.
He said before leaving that they can still be friends.
But she is thinking that he meant that they can be the kind of strangers that share silent memories and a passing smiles, kisses, embraces every once in a while.
Now her life is not anymore together.
She is surviving with the help of disgusting alcohol fumes and dizzying cigarettes.
When she will be able to tell her story without crying, then she can say that she is cured.
It was that crazy night of summer Which gave me those bloody creeps Creeps which I will always remember It was that deep look filled with desire And we abandoned one another with no fear No fear that our bodies could run hard on fire It was that simple "Hello!" And when you asked me to loose myself with you I said like a robot "I do!" It was a master and slave puzzle game And only our bodies together Could finish the final picture Yes, I know, we were insane!
